And there was a time when it was called “Buzzy Starnuts”.

And then there was a time when it was called “Weird & Gilly”.

And then there was another time when this bit was once again called “Buzzy Starnuts”.

Oh, honey…

Transcript of the August 2nd, 2024 Edition of “GUTFUDUM News: Celebrity Spotlight with Frilly Shibe”.

ANNOUNCER:

“GUTFUDUM News: Celebrity Spotlight”, with the girl who keeps her garters to the grapevine, Frilly Shibe.

FRILLY SHIBE:

Hello Stargazers.

You won’t believe who’s gone social! It’s none other than that legend of Athletic Movement, Slammy Johnson. We caught up with Slammy recently - no easy task - and asked him what made him finally join social media.

SLAMMY JOHNSON:

It's true you know, social media had always been the furthest thing from my mind. But then I discovered and fully understood THE SELFIE. ME looking at ME so that you can look at ME? Well… count ME in.

FRILLY SHIBE:

And he hasn’t lost a step either, swinging around a 31.3lb modified Arriflex 35 II C Techniscope Camera single-handedly. With…one hand. That’s no small feat.

GUTFUDUM News is now proud to present the world premiere of: “GRADUATION” - a Slammy Johnson Selfie.

Welcome aboard, Slammy. The world…is in a twitter.

Special thanks to Rachel Benjamin for her rendition of Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach’s Solfeggietto and her performance as Frilly Shibe, both of which can be enjoyed in the voiceover audio for this post.

This was just supposed to be a joke.

And then it actually happened.

We went to the beach one day and once we were at the beach, I thought, “Did I leave the bidet running?” And I considered going back to check, potentially ruining the whole day. But thankfully, my partner gave me a very stern look and with her scary, serious voice said, “No.”

I didn’t care about the stove, though. We were renting an apartment with an electric stove and there was a little bit of that, “Well…it’s not really my place…” mentality that causes most people to leave dirty clothes and food everywhere, but which just let me stop worrying…so much…about everything blowing up…all the time…for a week.

BUT THE BIDET!

The bidet was a serious concern. Catalonia was in the middle of a drought and water needed to be conserved, which explicitly meant not leaving bidets running for several hours.

In certain social situations, I kind of like the Ugly American role. I’m a pretty nice Ugly American, actually. But I did not want to be the Ugly American responsible for people dying of dehydration and famine just because I left a bidet running for a period of time grossly in excess of any realistic hygiene benefits.

So I started checking…more…and more…

Which is exactly how “checking” works.

You can’t check enough.

We all know about Schrodinger’s cat. But Schrodinger probably had a stove, too. And maybe even a bidet. And that’s how it works for me. I’ll check the stove. See that it is off. But as soon as I stop observing it, all bets are off. ANYTHING could have happened! It could be in ANY state! Even Nebraska.

But I wasn’t in Nebraska. I was in Barcelona. On vacation. So I took that time…to do some recursive research, checking on checking. Which is in fact its own brand of OCD, compulsively checking anything that could harm anyone or anything that you value.

The only cure, it seems, is to learn NOT to value anyone or anything, becoming a soulless monster.

I am remorseless to say that I am making progress, but it’s not perfect.

And this video is a good example of that perfectionism flavor of OCD. This was meant to be the start of me more casually creating short videos and not fretting over every pixel before I post them.

When I record in the very confined confines of my apartment, there are some restraints I don’t have control over, but I can pretend I do…for a very long time. And that’s a problem.

When you’re out in the open though, there are way too many variables, so you really have to try to learn how to live with them…after several, several takes, that is.

Now, some of those variables produce thrilling serendipity. In this video, I love the rays of sun that flicker in and out as I walk, and the sound of the horn blowing just as my OCD sets in, thinking about the bidet.

But then there’s the pair of people prominently walking closely behind me, who’s privacy has been violated. I better blur their faces. And while we’re doing that, why not add a color gradient over the scene. Is it too late to fix my teeth, fly back to Barcelona, get everyone back in place and reshoot? And what about that other joke I have about checking the stove? Should I record that and add it before I post?

You do have to have some standards, but just like a bidet, nothing’s perfect. At some point you just have to say, “Good enough…” pull up your pants and get on with your day.1

After checking that you turned the bidet off, that is.

It’s true, you know.

Every election day.

For a split-second when I see that VOTE AQUÍ sign, I think “Man…who’s this guy?”

I think that if you were to change your last name to Aquí and run for office, you’d get elected on name recognition alone.

You know those rules that make it illegal to electioneer within like a hundred yards of the polling place. No campaigning? No signs?

No problem for Candidate Aquí.

VOTE AQUÍ

Eventually, everyone running for office would have to change their last name to Aquí just to stand a chance.

Peak Sneetch!

That’s what I would do. I would change my name to Peak Sneetch and run for office. I’d be the only one who would stand out amongst a sea of Aquís and I would certainly get elected.

Then, after “The Scandal”, I’ll take a few years off before releasing my transgressive electroclash masterpiece, The Teaches of Sneetches.

What I’m saying is…I’ll be fine.

Don’t worry about me.

END-OF-POST REVIEW

VOTE AQUÍ - CORE CONCEPTS

• Aquí - Translated from Spanish to English, “aquí” means “here”. Most polling places in the United States of America have signs posted that say VOTE HERE in English as well as signs with the Spanish equivalent VOTE AQUÍ. However, as the first word in the Spanish translation is the same in English, you could imagine someone who doesn’t know any Spanish reading the Spanish language sign IN English, as though the sign means to encourage them to vote for a candidate with the last name Aquí.
  
  Anyway…
  

• Peak Sneetch - The Sneetches is inarguably the greatest achievement of Dr. Seuss. There are weird creatures called Sneetches. Some got stars on thars. Others, not so much. Then some guy shows up and sells them access to a machine that puts stars on thars and then another machine that takes stars off thars. That guy makes a lot of money and is very happy. So candidates changing their last names to Aquí just to be special like everyone else could be thought of as “Peak Sneetch”.
  

• Electroclash - Uh… I don’t know either…
  

• The Teaches of Sneetches - This is a Sneetchified reference to The Teaches of Peaches, a transgressive electroclash masterpiece by the artist Peaches.

GOOD LUCK ON THE TEST EVERYBODY!

VOTE THE PAIN AWAY!

The terrible situation we find ourselves in today can be traced back to 1982.

In April of that year, Laurie Anderson released the album Big Science, the first track of which was “From the Air”, a piece that has Laurie speaking as an all-to-calm, “Simon Says” captain of a multi-metaphorical, crashing airplane.

In June of that same year, principal photography began on the film Airplane II: The Sequel which was ultimately released on the 10th of December, 1982…shockingly…tragically…without a cameo by Laurie Anderson.

DISASTER!

One must assume that had Jim Abrahams and the Zucker Brothers been involved in the sequel, this oversight would have been caught and the situation in which we find ourselves today averted.

Police Squad! was pretty good, but not worth the global downward spiral resulting from the Laurie-Anderson-less sequel to Airplane!

Is it too late for Airplane III?

The answer, obviously, is a resounding, “NO!”

Did you not notice that I formatted Airplane III in italics? That means its for fucking real, OK?

We can still fix this.

Production begins NOW.

Zero Hour!

This is the time.

And this is the record of the time.

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GUTFUDUM

noun /gʊt-fʌ-dʌm/

Satire with Benefits.

“But now… What does that mean though, right?

Well…nothing, really. I just… I just thought it sounded neat.

What da ya want for nothin’? A rubber biscuit?1

But look. Just because it doesn’t really have any particular meaning doesn’t mean you can’t imagine it does, right?

Choose your own adventure.

And I’ll tell ya… It sure got me thinking.

It made me wonder… Is it possible to create a satire of ‘satire’?

Not a satire of another satire, but a satire of the very concept of ‘satire’.

Well…

Yes.

Now, it is very difficult and I haven’t quite gotten there yet, but if my calculations are correct - and they always are - it should cause the post-modern satire wave function to collapse in on itself, not revealing a single state as in quantum mechanics, but rather destroying all states, information itself delaminating from the very lattice of existence until each bleached piece of thought not only becomes unrecognizable in and of itself, but also all that previously had the ability of recognition, lose that special agency, and everything is reduced to the same non-state of non-being.

The benefit?

Well…

We’ll finally finish somethin’.

EVERYTHING.

I’ll keep you updated. Although I imagine you will notice something, regardless.

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Now, on a personal level, one of the benefits of GUTFUDUM has been the opportunity to really explore self-satire as a sort of therapy.

In reality, I would of course never submit to traditional therapy because…if I’m being perfectly honest, I don't really need it. But if I did enter into therapy, rest assured, I would win. Soundly defeating the therapist.2

But you know, therapy isn’t just a contest. It can be entertainment, too. A hobby, if you will. A pastime. And I’ve had a lot of fun satirizing myself, exaggerating my ego to the furthest extreme, trying to imagine what changes would have to be made to correct any associated negatives that would be present if there were any. Alas, try as I might, I haven’t been able to come up with anything.

Is it difficult being cursed with perfect humility? Of course not. Not for me, anyway. What a stupid question.3

And you know, the same type of person who would ask that question would also probably say that what I’m doing isn’t even really satire. That I’m missing the point. That you do, at the very least, actually have to be critical of something. Otherwise, what does satire even mean?

But you know what? If you’re as good at satire as I am - few are - it just doesn’t really matter.

Oh…

There it goes…

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                                  n           t

4 ”

New Year’s resolutions seem like a mistake to me.

But if they are important to you and you struggle with them, fret not.

Did you know that January 1st is not the first day of the New Year…for everyone?

The Chinese New Year, for example, begins on the new moon of the first lunar month which can be anywhere between January 21st and February 21st on the Gregorian Calendar.1

Another example is the Jason T. Kocher New Year which starts on February 1st of the Gregorian Calendar…this year anyway. So this post is technically still relevant.

Hell! The next Jason T. Kocher New Year may start on February 2nd of this same year of the Gregorian Calendar. You just never know.

Any moment…might be…your next.

So, you’re doing fine.

I mean…you could be doing better…

But you’re doing fine…

And look…tomorrow’s another day…

Unless it isn’t.

I don’t fucking know. What am I? Some kind of fucking Time Scientist or something?2

GUTFUDUM

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